My sob story
 

Haven't been posting to much lately 'cause I been drinkin' alot!

Last night I was down at the bar, minding my own business when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and
said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses
you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you’re seventy...............who cares?:beerchug:

:biggrin2::ROTF1::ROTF2:

LOL!! Good one!

:biggrin2::ExtremeFunny::LMAO1::ROTF2:

Thats funny!!:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

Bwahahahahah! :LMAO1::ROTF2: Very funny! :High5:

Hahahaha......that's a great twist on words!!! One that even Groucho Marx would be proud of!!!:beerchug:

Cub Cadet 123

So, the other night me and the boys had a great time hangin’ out in Savanna. After pizza a t Vinni Van Go Go’s and far too much beer, I decided it was time to head back to the hotel.

Well, bad move. The life guard at the hotel caught me peeing in the pool. He yelled at me so loud I almost fell in!

But hey, when you’re seventy…..who cares?:beerchug:

So, not much has changed in my life as of recent. Being seventy and all I felt it was time to see the Doctor for a check up as it’s been a long time. After all the tests came back the Doctor had me come back in for a follow up. I was very relieved when he told me “Dick, all your test came back normal”:ThumbsUp:

Then the young punk had the nerve to ask me how I’m doing emotionally. Can you believe it? So I told him, “ Actually Doc, all this fighting on OCC has got me all worked up and I’m drinking more than I should”, I know, I know.. never tell the truth, no matter who’s asking. But anyway, I then told him that as a way of dealing, I have been praying a lot and that after all these years I feel that I have finally come to terms with the Lord. As a sign, God has been so gracious as to automatically turn the light on for me each night when I get up to pee. Yeah, can you believe it !? This praying stuff really works! Turns it off when I’m done too. Makes my life easier.

Well, so much for Doctor/patient confidence and such. He musta called my wife cause when I got home she whacked me in the head :bash: and accused me of peeing in the fridge again!

I know, I know, never tell the truth.:bash2:

Hey Twoton read the over 70 thread , you are plagiarizing my jokes (lol)
Oz

Oz, buddy,.. you mean you're really...Aussie Leroy!? I thought that was you! Good to have you here! Remember what they say bud;

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.:ThumbsUp:

p.s. check the dates man..:biggrin2:

I did not see that one coming, but what the hell, my keyboard's had a coffee bath before.
At least you remembered to get up to relieve the urge.
Cheer up, it gets worse.
At times I can't remember if I'm scratchin' me watch or winding me arse.:biggrin2:

Well, that didn't go over to well. So last night I brought my pet lamb into the house. You know, my special lamb.:drool2:

Holding her gently under my arm, I said," Dear, this is the pig that I have special times with when you have a headache". :beerchug:

My wife, who was sitting on the couch at the time looks up at me in amazement and said, "I think you will find that to be a sheep, you idiot!"

And I said, "I wasn't talking to you!"

Yup, another whack in the head.:bash:

:biggrin2:

Humble apologies twoton old mate , good to see you are doing plenty of research
Who in the h-ll is Aussie leroy ??????
It aint me thats for sure
Oz

So,.. while I was at work today I decided that I was going to try and do something about the marital problems that my wife and I are having. And, as much as I cannot stand that woman therapist, I will try and do some of the things that she says will bring back some fire and romance into our.. well,..relationship.

When I got home I went directly to the shed out back. I closed the door, I thought, and turned on the light. The 1650 was sitting there, all ready for snow duty. I smiled. I slowly approached the machine in the dim light. I put my rough calloused hands on the cold vinyl seat. I rubbed my cheek against the smooth side panels. My heart was racing! All of a sudden the door burst open and my oldest son was standing there and he yelled at me, “Dad!, what the hell are you doing?”

I was trembling now and had a hard time speaking. I said “Son. Your mother and I are having problems in the bedroom .”

He said,”Yeah, and this is supposed to help?”

“ I know, I know” I said, my voice quivering, “I don’t get it either. But the therapist said that if I wanted to save our relationship I had to do something sensual to a tractor.”

So, guess what?

Yup, now he's hitting me too.:bash:

With all the abuse I been takin at home lately I decided that after all these years I was gonna lay down the law. Wasn’t sure how to do that so, I sent a PM to my good buddy drcjv.

Charles told me, ”Dick, it’s simple really. You can never let on that you are irritated or annoyed. You just have to be kind and considerate. Think about how she feels and ask her nicely, honey could you please take a little time to care for our home and on occasion, prepare a pleasant meal for our wonderful family”. I said, “Chuck, you’re kidding, right? That’s it?” He said “ Yes, I immediately saw a change in her attitude and my sweet darling has been taking wonderful care of us ever since.”

Well, I definitly felt that I needed a second opinion on this. I don’t think that’s gonna work with my woman. So I sent a second PM with the same question to my good buddy J-Mech. (Yeah, I had to send it to him separately as he cannot read everyone’s PM’s any more since, well, you know) So yeah, I figured Jon would give me some good advice as he has forgotten more about manners, I mean relationships than most of us ever knew, So Jon says, “ Dick, you just gotta tell them how it is. I mean like this isn’t kinderarden you know. The dinner needs to be on the table and the house needs to be clean, and the clothes need to be washed!” I said, “ So how’d that work for ya”. He said “well, the first day I didn’t see much change around the house. The second day I saw quite the improvement, and by the third day I saw that she had fallen into line”.

So, three days ago I mustered up enough courage, I mean drank enough wiskey to give this a shot. After I finished up the dinner dishes, swept the kitchen floor and started the wash, I went into the den where my wife was watching TV and I just laid it all out. I said,” Gertrude, your performance around here is sorely lacking. Just to make my expectations clear,.. you will, from now on, keep the house clean, keep food in the pantry, cook the meals and keep up with the laundry.”

The first day I saw nothing.

The second day I saw nothing.

This morning when I got up off the couch the swelling had gone down just enough in my left eye that I could see enough to start on the dishes but my arm is still just to sore to sweep the floor. I’m still have trouble trying to pee. :crap:

Twoton...you listen to entirely too much country music! :biggrin2:

Tonight I was out in the shed working on the 1200, listening to "Country Boy Can Survive" on the 8 track and puttin' down a few Blue Ribbons when the door slowly creaked open. Yup. It was Gertrude. She seamed to be in a good mood so I knew something was up.

She stood there silently for a few minutes while I cleaned the spark plug and then she started.

"Dick, after all these years, maybe it's time for you to sell your Cubs and start spending more time inside with me in the evenings. I think it would be good for our relationship".

I could feel the horror grip me as the anger began to spread across my face.

She said " Dick, what on earth is wrong with you!"

I swallowed slowly as I was beginning to choke with emotion. I said " Gertrude, for a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex wife."

Gertrude screamed at me! "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

I said,... "I wasn't."

Love it! I doubt any of this happened to you but it only works in the first person lol.. Good one

Being quarantined for the past six weeks with Gertrude has NOT been easy! :bash2:

So today we decided to go out for a drive to ease the tension. :angry::angry::angry:

We drove several miles down a quiet country road, not saying a word. As we came upon Smitty's dump of a farm on Hixville Road and passed the filthy barnyard full of mules and pigs, Gertrude rudely asked, "Relatives of yours Dick?"

"Yup," I replied, "My in-laws." :beerchug:

--------And that's when the fight started :biggrin2:

Somehow, I think the fight started years ago.....:ROTF1: