History of the world

[twoton]

For those who don't know about history ... here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer and whiskey. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

[Sam Mac]

Amen brother!

[Shotgun Wedding]

But as time went by, the conservatives noticed an alarming trend. Although the Liberal women may have had more testosterone than the Liberal men, the Liberal women seemed to be quite a bit hotter than the conservative women. Not only that, the conservatives thought that Liberal women did things for their Liberal husbands that the conservative men could only buy in Las Vegas when thier wives or church pasters weren't looking.

They soon figured they had a gross inadequacy that could only be remedied by telling the world over and over again how manly they were compared to everyone else. They rubbed their perceived smallness into as many things as they could in desperation to make it seem bigger. But it did not work. So, instead they bragged about eating red meat, killing it and displaying the horns of the prey they baited to their property. They let off camoflage grenades inside their homes and on their obscene trucks in hopes thier women would do the things they wanted...like the Liberals were getting.

They built walls, they printed bibles, they pounded their chests....only to find out .... WOW.....we are all really the same. The Liberal women weren't testosterone freaks and the men weren't sissies. Both Libs and Cons could fight for what is right side by side when it mattered. They found Liberals had guns too.. And actually knew how to shoot them. They found that we are all pretty much the same, unlike what the politicians and NRA and paid talking heads would like us to believe.

[DeltaCub]

Amen Shotgun!

[twoton]

Well written Shotgun Wedding, made me laugh as much as the first part, thanks!

[R Bedell]

the Liberal women seemed to be quite a bit hotter than the conservative women.

Oh...I beg to differ. I could post a number of fine specimens to contradict that.

[finsruskw]

Amen to that!!
And at least one of them is on the Supreme Court!!
And another lives in the WH

[ol'George]

Anheuser busch sees to it the unattractive woman look "hot"
and pfizer sees to it that ugly ones are not left out.
Now as far as the white house wannabee, well there ARE some exceptions.